I used to try and keep contact with my abusers, so it'd look like one big happy family. I haven't seen them since December 2011 and changed my number in November 2015. I recommend all of you who were victims of incest (which is usually accompanied by verbal and physical abuse) to cut off all ties with with these people and anyone who protects them.
Adult survivors of molestation by adult family members are left to deal with the disgusting memories of their bodies being touched, used, groped and violated. One occasion would be detrimental enough. But decades of humiliation. Abuse is not a one time ordeal. And when you try to tell, you are yelled at and shamed. From inappropriate showers to inappropriate "spankings". So you stop telling about the perversion you are encountering.
Now that I am older, I really feel the other adult knew what was going on and not just from my sharing. I also wonder how much I've blocked out. Traumatic experiences are so scary and you feel so alone. My brain cannot go past the beginning of each abuse interaction. I am terrified to think of what else occurred each time. But the memories that I have are heartbreaking enough.
As a child to deal with the abuse, I started overeating. I would get to school, where I was bullied terribly for talking "white" and not being "black enough". So my entire life, I had nowhere to have peace or be free. I would sit in the corner in Middle School and cry while eating and eating. Then I would get home where I would be called fat and that I need to lose weight, only for the night to turn into me getting molested. Why are you molesting a child? And a child who is apparently fat and unattractive to you?
The abuse intensified when my mother started working nights. She was also in a car accident which forced her to be in the hospital. I was around8/9 and developing small curves and breasts. The abuse started since forever, but the abuser had even more free time to humiliate and violate me. And a chance to see what was growing. My big brother (6 years older than me) had just started High School, so he was always out with his friends.
I got to High School and began to feel a little more free. I started to finally like my looks. I stopped overeating and started exercising. My molester corned me in the kitchen and told me, "You lookin good. Lose 10-15 more pounds you'll be perfect."
This made me start overeating again. Not just out of sad habits, but also because, I did not want him to find me attractive.
My mother would often say things like I was jealous of her and her shape, which I wasn't. I always longed for a curvy shape with a flat stomach (which I'd finally attained, at that time). Not a petite, athletic shape of a 4'11" woman. And even with that, why was she suddenly competing with me? Was my abuser complimenting my shape and it angered her? Shouldn't you be angry that you married a pedophile? I think the anger was also, that I was finally becoming a young lady. In looks and in confidence. Because if my molester enjoyed my pre pubescent body so much, you disgusting monster Robert, then why wouldn't he be attracted to a teenager growing breasts? My mother was quick with verbal and physical abuse. Daily. That incident in particular, about her saying I wish I looked like her, was done in my brother's bedroom. In front of him and his girlfriend at the time, Andrea. I began to cry. Not just because it was untrue, but because it was SO DISRESPECTFUL! Her daily goal. after she cussed me out and left the room, my big brother looked me and said, "You know she right.". Well thank you for your input, you brainwashed fool. I just went in my brother's closet and began to cry more, until I got the strength to walk past him and his girlfriend, into my own room.
My brother said that when she dies, he'll sing "Oh Happy Day". But he is just as awful as everyone else. My big brother broke my heart with his negligence. And later in life, with his dismissive, rude attitude. He hangs with my parents even though he is aware of all this. He won't even let his children alone with them, especially my niece. Yet he cursed me out and kisses their ass. I guess money in a Will is more important than sibling love and the truth.
I continued to gain weight. Then when I was 22 years old, someone put something in my drink. I was with my 2 "friends". These girls delivered me to a stranger and allowed him to rip my virginity from me on the floor of a hotel. Though, now I wonder if I was a virgin. Had my molester raped me as a child and my brain won't allow me to remember? Why would forced sexual incidents end with exposing, rubbing and touching?
I gained over 100 pounds after the rape incident with the stranger.
I am finally losing the weight and keeping it off.
I am sharing all of this because black people act like they do no wrong. They don't molest children, that's "a white people thang". No. Black people you need to own up to what you do and that this shit happens in all communities. Every incident I've named was performed by people of color.
This summer, on July 29, I was leaving work and fainted on my face. I believe it is from a lifetime of hell, starting at who knows how young. I can't imagine the things that happened to me when I couldn't speak. I am sad and stressed daily. I can't shower or sleep without remembering the bad things that were done to me.
If a child comes to you. Believe them.
One more thing. If you are dating someone who has disclosed things like this, be there for them. I think the worst thing that I experienced was dating this guy who was very woe is me. Always depressed with no reason. We only dated officially for 2 months. One day I was crying and having bad flashbacks. His response was "sorry you got molested. maybe you should handle your piece of shit father." That was so hurtful. So rude. He tried to explain it by saying it's because he was so angry about it. Um no, you're just trash. That's all. So to you all dating people who have survived the unthinkable, be nurturing. Be human, my goodness.
These incidents ruined my sex life. Meaning it was non existent. I was terrified of penetration and who could blame me. Sexual abuse either leads you to be scared or to be promiscuous. I was scared. So men, if you date/marry a survivor of this awful subject, be prepared to love her. Unless your parents were low class and didn't teach you how women should be treated. In that case, there are escorts and loose women everywhere. But don't waste the time, and dignity, of someone who clearly is vulnerable.
From my story, to girls who talk about surviving R. Kelly, to the rest of the nameless victims of disgusting abuse. I love you :(
I know this is a long post, but I don't get visitors to my site anyway. If someone sees this one day, please check on the children in your life. Ask them questions. Tell them it's not okay for anyone to touch their privates. And be literal. Because twice, my sexual abuser, showed me his privates. Talk to children and name EVERYTHING that is wrong. Save them a lifetime of horror. You don't want them to grow up to be like me.
Here is a link with some statistics about Child Sexual Abuse. *Thank you Darkness to Light*