The Meaning of Laini Moreno
I have been completely open about my estranged parents and brother as well as the toxic, unloving relationship I keep attempting to work through with my Aunts and cousins.
Despite my posts here and there about Islam, I am not a religious person. I am actually Atheist. But as a young girl and still as an adult, I have turned to Mariah Carey as my "gospel music". She has always been my favorite singer and I own all of her work. Even my brother surprised me in High School with a few Mariah CD's. I have idolized and cherished Mariah my entire life. She is perfect to me.
Recently Mariah Carey opened up about her own family trauma in her book, The Meaning of Mariah Carey, and I was floored. Actually, I had a breakdown this morning and cried so hard. I couldn't believe the chanteuse that I adore, has a shitty mom and fucked up siblings, just like me. One thing that helped me from reading her book, as how she now refers to her "family".
She calls her "mom", by her first name, Patricia.
She refers to her "siblings", as ex brother and ex sister.
Unlike my story, Mariah's father seemed to have been a good man. But maybe he was just good compared to the rest of her "family". Because a good dad would have protected her from her abusive "mom" and abusive "siblings". Mariah's ex-sister drugged a 12 year old Mariah and tried to sell her to a pimp, among other horrible events.
This shed a new light on me and my life. I deal with feeling cast aside, unloved, unappreciated, and abused by my family my entire life. I hate referring to them, with endearing terms, because, they don't deserve it. I am taking a lesson, from Mariah Carey's book, and now: I am doing the same. First names and "ex".
Mariah will never read this but I just want to put out in the universe how I much I love her. I cannot say it enough. I have been enamored with this woman my whole life. Anytime my High School beau reaches out to me, he tells the same story about him pulling up to my house in 1998, and he could hear me blasting Mariah Carey's Butterlfy Reprise from her Butterfly CD lol
Oddly enough, he was stopping by to surprise me with one of her older CDs I didn't have yet. I think he may have also dropped my off some McDonald's, ha!
Also, though I am not half White, I have always felt like I wasn't a part of any community. Black people, especially black women, seem to have a huge problem with me. Even before I open my mouth. Then once they hear a "valley girl", it gets worse. I used to cry to my ex-family about my woes and they chose not to care. Sometimes people are so hell bent on trying to be pro-black, they don't care when someone is being bullied by said community. It wasn't until I was 30, that Vastina exclaimed, "You go through what children who are half white and half black go through!".
Gasp! No shit!
Though my dealings with Vastina, Roberto, and my ex-brother are dead, they AT LEAST started to acknowledge how I was treated by the community and told me to embrace the Latina portion. This happened towards the end of my dealings with the three of them. Such as, speaking Spanish, embracing the Latina roles I was getting offered, etc. I mean, it is literally the LEAST supportive thing they could do, given the abuse I endured 1981-2015 when I decided to change my number and NEVER speak to them again.
So, now I am left with my extended "family", who I will never fit in with. I feel like I am constantly defending myself. Especially after what one of my "Aunts" said in June.
But hey...at least my extended "family" never put their hands on me, right...? Slim pickings when it comes to love and support in my "family". I am always on the outside, and get blamed for that too. No one ever sees how damaging their behaviors and words are. People don't care until you're strung out, overdosed, and dead.