It's a Family Affair
Updated: Jun 24, 2020
I am so proud of myself and I don't say it often enough.
I come from a family of unloving relatives. My parents are in a league of their own with toxicity, but my other relatives aren't far behind. I even had an aunt once say she only cared for her children and grandchildren lol awesome! If my niece had ever come to me and say she endured what I endured, I would sweep her under my wing. That same fucked up convo, she talked for like 5 mins about how she couldn't believe I haven't been to a barbecue since I was a child and that Ive never made pork and beans. I am definitely the black sheep. Or if you let my relatives tell it, I am the White Sheep.
My parents were absolutely awful.
My brother grew up to be just like them.
The rest of my relatives make me feel like an outsider. Like they are the Blackness Police and I am under non stop arrest to prove something to them.
Even the relative I am closest with. My cousin. My best friend. Last Summer I was having a good time and sent her a video. Her response?
"You look great!"?
"Omg yall are having so much fun!!"?
No way, why would she say that??
"Where is all the black skin?".
Yes, that was the response. Not that me, her cousin, was finally out having a good time after being told I couldn't take my molester to court due to Statute of Limitation. Not that I look beautiful, because for some reason, my relatives would never admit that. Including my own Mother. But yeah, I didn't have enough black people there in my video. I can laugh it off because I know how my cousin is. But I would love to have more gentleness from her.
I even tried being Instagram buddies with my cousin. She went and liked pix on my account, that weren't of me. And a pic of me, in a group of people. That Instagram friendship didn't last long.
I am beautiful, talented, intelligent, kind, and nurturing. But I have never and will never hear any good things about myself from these people. I fully release all need to try and fit in with people who do not want me. These are my relatives. You'd think I was speaking about someone on the street. I have so many incidents I could speak on, but I won't. My relatives are far from perfect but I don't go around saying the many things that are fucked up about them. I keep my thoughts to myself, no matter immature and unkind they act with me. This is mainly in regard to aunts/parents.
I truly feel their dislike for my mother has carried onto me. I feel they are somewhat happy about the shit I went through. I feel if I was dark skinned/dated more black men/lived in a black neighborhood/didn't speak properly/...they MIGHT care about me a wee bit more. I am who I am and I am done trying to prove shit to anybody. I am amazing.
I told my aunt about a sucuicde attempt. I wish I could let you hear the conversation with her the next day. As much as I loved my Grandmother...she must have been a piece of shit Mother, because her children turned out to be unloving and lacking empathy.
If I ever succeed at suicide, I'm sure my relatives will just say, "mm must be from hangin roun them white folks. And hm, now we got to pay fo the funeral??!??"
Family is just a word.