Beauty + Jealousy + Perception
Friends, family, strangers...jealousy or hatred can come from anybody. I even dated a few guys who would stop telling me I was beautiful once we started dating. I feel that people, in general, don't want good looking women to be confident. This is a mirror of their own insecurity. With all that I have been through in my life, it has not shaken my reality that I am beautiful. Self doubt is a natural part of life, but I am fully aware that I am gorgeous, talented and one of a kind.
I noticed online that women (especially black women), will scroll thru several pictures of me to go like a pic that's not of me. Isn't that weird? If I was on their page, I would like pix of them.
Growing up, my mother would never tell me I was pretty. When I moved out, and I would send pictures of me to her (hoping that this evil woman would miss me), she would comment on something BEHIND me in the picture. "Oh, what's that?" etc. Or, she would criticize me.
A couple females in my life have received pix of me and comment on my hair or what I'm doing in the pic, instead of directly telling me, I look nice. It's rude.
I don't voice my concerns, because, I don't feel like being called "sensitive". I've grown to hate that word. Being labeled "sensitive" is due to people not taking ownership of how they've made you feel.
People compliment celebrities or people they don't know. But when it is an attractive woman they actually are in contact with, it pains them to acknowledge her beauty. Some of the cases I have named in this blog, are pure jealousy and hate. Some of these instances, I hope are a misunderstanding. Either way, it is hurtful.
One of the reasons it took me so long to talk about my surviving child abuse and rape, is because I am aware that people want talented, attractive people to fail. People like when I'm not doing well. When I started disclosing my trauma to my "friends", because I was tired of hiding that awful secret, they almost seemed relieved that my life wasn't perfect. I come from a family of 2 good looking parents with good jobs and an extremely talented brother. Even now, I do still fully believe that people are somewhat glad that someone as special as me, has troubles in her life. It makes me never want to talk about or acknowledge my issues. But the real problem is people and their jealousy, not, that I come from a shitty family.
Despite my scary past, I'm still sexy, smart and ambitious.